- Recently, in a large French city, a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym. It said:
- THIS SUMMER DO YOU WANT TO BE A MERMAID OR A WHALE?
- A middle aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.
- To Whom It May Concern:
- Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans). They have an active sex life, they get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp. They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia, the Bering Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia. Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans.
- They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.
- Mermaids don't exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human? They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them not to mention how could they have sex? Therefore they don't have kids either.
- Not to mention who wants to get close to a girl who's skin is all scaly and smells like a fish store?
- The choice is perfectly clear to me...
- I want to be a whale.
- P.S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver and a latte with my friends. With time, we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy. Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, "Good gosh, look how smart I am"!
Showing posts with label Silly Arse Stuff. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Silly Arse Stuff. Show all posts
Tuesday, 10 November 2009
I am most definitely SMART!
Wednesday, 13 August 2008
Friday, 25 July 2008
Just One Nostril
I can only breath through one flipping nostril! It is doing my head in and had me awake for most of the night. I've got that horrible snot thing going on where nothing comes out when you blow ya nose but if you snif you get a back wash of nastiness which then sticks in your throat and you have to keep swallowing over and over again to get rid of the feeling of something being stuck down there! God that was a long sentence! It was also probably way too much info regarding snot that any of you readers really wanted to read but sod it - I've said it now!
Tuesday, 22 July 2008
There Is Light And Snot
I have not cried for the last few days! It can't be the "happy pills" working yet as they don't kick in for at least a few weeks so I reckon it is just cos I can see light at the end of the tunnel. My time of the month is over and that makes a huge difference. I am just left with about 10 massive spots on my face which is really attractive...not! I cleaned up my kitchen and lounge which is a start. I decided to do one thing at a time instead of trying to do it ALL!
On another note, we woke up this morning to the door buzzer going and I had totally forgot that the sky man was coming round to install sky plus. I looked a right old state! Mashed up bed head hair, spots not covered with any make-up, boobs hanging as no bra on, top with Kadyn's dribble stains all over it! Hmmm...Nice! Anyway, I let him in and went to get Kadyn out of my bed. I walked back into the lounge chatting away to the guy and then looked at Kadyn....OH.MY.GOD! My child looked like an alien baby!!!! He must of thought she had some kind of skin disfigurement. She had dark green snot all over her face. When I say all over, I mean ALL over!! From above her eyes to under her chin! Thick, dried and crusted SNOT! Totally caked all over her poor little face! I quickly proceeded to remove the snot but it was like flipping green glue stuck to my baby's face! After lots of wet wipes and plenty of tears she finally looked like a human baby again!
Saturday, 12 July 2008
Instructions For Properly Hugging A Baby
First....find a baby!
Be sure that the object that you found was indeed a baby by employing classic sniffing techniques.
Next you will need to flatten the baby before beginning the hugging process.
The "paw slide". Simply slide paws around the baby and prepare for possible close up.
Finally, if a camera is present you will need to execute the difficult and patented "hug, smile and lean" to achieve the best photo.
Friday, 11 July 2008
Tuesday, 1 July 2008
A New Trend
There once was a time when my mum used to really embarrass me. I think I have grown up a lot since having Kadyn as now the same things don't really embarrass me any more, in fact, they make me smile. Like when my mum wears slip on shoes with socks! For years it has been slip on gold shoes with white socks but the other day I just had to get a photo of the "new style"....I Love My Mumski!!!!!!!!
Friday, 11 April 2008
Fairy Tale Land
This is the fairy tale that should have been read to us when we were little:
Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
~~~~~~~~
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: " Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. "
~~~~~~~~
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself:
~~~~~~~~
I don't freakin think so!
Thursday, 10 April 2008
I'm Super Woman!
Saw this over at Melanie's blog........
Give it a go and sign Mr.Linky if you try it so I can come see what superhero you are ;o)
Monday, 10 March 2008
Poor Bunny - Oh No!!!!
Little Loola was given this cute bunny with huge plastic teething ears by some friends when she was born. She has only just started to actually take any notice of it and then what does "bad" mummy go and do???????? I maimed the poor thing! Loola is a very "sicky" baby, pukes all the time and the other day she chucked up all over the bunny's head - YUK! So, mummy put the bunny in the washing machine BUT....I forgot that it was in there and subsequently tumble dried it with the rest of the stuff in the machine - when it came out I couldn't for the life of me figure out what was wrong with it - it just didn't look right. I stared at it for ages and then OH NO! Look what I did to it - I melted it's ears! They were all gooey and fluff was all stuck in them so I had to amputate them :o(
Before and after pics:
Wednesday, 5 March 2008
Monday, 3 March 2008
Famous! :o)
I got this off Melanie's blog and thought I'd give it a go..........
The title of this first magazine says it all - it goes with this picture of Little Loola perfectly - just ignore the bits about couples and weddings ;o) Then the next one is Moi - it was a few years back but it is still MOI ;o)
Give it a go yaself over at MagMyPic.com.
Tuesday, 19 February 2008
Tigereberaff
One last thing!! This is a Tigereberaff! Nobody knew exactly what kind of animal it was supposed to be and seen as it looks like a cross between a Tiger, a zebra and a giraffe, I named it TIGEREBERAFF!! I quite like him - oh, and he is Danish! Goodnight
Thursday, 20 December 2007
That Will Teach Me!
I took Kadyn to the doctors this morning and was running late. There were no car parking spaces so I parked in the church car park next door. There is a sign on the wall saying "No parking for medical center" but as I was late I ignored it and thought it would be ok as I was not going to be long. It was pretty full so I had to park in the far corner. After seeing the doc we came back out into the car park and OH MY GOD! The whole car park was chocka blocka with all the cars blocked in. I was not only blocked in by 1 car but 12! Yes 12 cars were in my way!!
I called my mum and she said to go into the church and apologise and ask them to move so I could get out. I took a deep breath and we went into the church. It was full of people, most of them mentally disabled, singing "Ding Dong Merrily On High". I felt awful, I couldn't walk in and stop their concert. They all looked so happy bashing their tambourines. I asked the guy on the door what time the concert finished and he said 11am. He had special needs and considering it was already 11.50 I figured he didn't really know.
Me and Kadyn spent the next hour and a half sat in my car, waiting for the concert to finish.
I won't be parking there again! Oooooooops and a big sorry to the big guy above :o)
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